Throughout 2016 we decided it would be fun to go through the alphabet and create an animated gif for each letter. You know those ideas you have at 6am in early January? The kind of thing you swear is brilliant and will stick to no matter what, only for the whole thing to descend into chaos? Yeah, that’s what this ended up being. Please enjoy.
Please do not feed the animals
A is for Anteater
I’m a great fan of animation, this being fairly obvious considering my line of work (as an animator). I’m also a keen nature programme viewer; they’re a wealth of knowledge on the natural world around us.
It’s a shame kids today can’t find the time from curating emojis and selfies to watch these. To be fair, an hour is a long ol’ time to listen to some geezer droning on about lions absolutely wrecking a gazelle.
So I’m going to provide a service to you, the social media generation. The chance to learn about 26 different animals, through the power of GIF.
I’ll be honest, I’m fairly busy so don’t have time to research these in depth to know minor details like latin names and accurate biological facts. But I have binge watched the entire series of Planet Earth on Netflix so I’m pretty much the next David Attenborough AND prettier.
Let’s get on it then. Welcome to A-Zoo. The alphabetic GIF zoo.
This hulking beast is the Anteater. It uses it’s gargantuan snout to devour defenceless ants. It’s sticky tongue, over 50 miles long, a useful device to trap the little buggers. On average, it consumes 1000 trillion ants an hour (luckily ants reproduce like mad). BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH, it hungers for human souls.
Good thing it lives literally in the middle of nowhere, but if you happen to come across one, I can only pray you know Kung Fu and can swiftly tie it’s long gob in a knot. It’s the only way to stop it.
There was this one time, Adam Ant from that band Adam and the Ants went hiking through the wilderness deep in South America, unaware he was right in the middle of Anteater territory. He went missing for almost 16 years. He never talks about what happened during his time there, whenever it’s mentioned he just weeps and sweats profusely.
B is for Bee
Next in the alphabet is B. And what better animal to represent B than an animal that’s name is quite literally B – the Bee.
All bees are notorious fans of the American Football team ‘The Pittsburgh Steelers’, whose colours (or ‘colors’ seeing as it’s American) are black and yellow. So they’ve painted their whole bodies accordingly.
Bees are most known for collecting pollen using their huge gnashers, and they use pollen to make their most famous product ‘wax’. Madam Tussauds’ museum owns the world’s biggest bee farm, churning out wax for its models 24 hours a day. Fun fact; the sticky mess known as ‘honey’ – a byproduct of wax – is often consumed by bears (they also begin with B) as a source of ‘food’.
A notable feature of bees is their famous knees. The idiom ‘the bee’s knees’ is often used to denote something brilliant and can be traced back to the 14th century when bees’ knees were a delicacy eaten by Kings and Lords. Unbeeelievable.
C is for Cockatoo
Now it’s time to explore the ‘cockatoo’.
Cockatoos, despite their name, have absolutely no relation whatsoever to the mixed-breed dog, the ‘cockapoo’. And if anyone says otherwise, they’re a cockaliar. Cockatoos are, in fact, birds. If you’ve never seen a bird before just imagine a bread roll wrapped up in a feather boa flying about the room, squawking.
The interesting thing about cockatoos, as the name might suggest, is their two-pronged approach to genitalia. Normally, males have just the one (or none if they’re a eunuch). But these flighty bad-boys have double the fun!
Now, I’ve never actually seen a cockatoo’s ‘ding-a-ling’. Why would someone make it up though? What’s to be gained? I’m certain the British tabloids had nothing to do with naming them – that job goes to scientists. And they haven’t got it in ‘em to lie. I learnt that the hard way after a disappointing weekend bird watching for blue tits as a kid.
Anyway, regardless of their impressive peckers downstairs, it’s sadly ironic that cockatoos will NEVER know love. Because female cockatoos are just as impressive, with their own two love sticks!!
What was God thinking? All the gear and no idea. I’m surprised cockatoos have managed to live this long. Imagine the frustration… no wonder they look so angry.
D is for Dragonfly
Still here, huh? Okay, you asked for it…
If we’re doing this alphabetically, I suppose I’d better move onto D. So today’s animal is the ‘dragonfly’.
Dragonflies are a close relation of your common house fly while sharing the same DNA as DRAGONS, that probably went extinct about the same time as the dinosaurs because of that big flood. (Noah said there wasn’t enough room on board for the dinosaurs but really they would’ve been total buzz-kills on his party yacht.)
Now, dragonflies physically resemble your normal fly – except they breathe fire. Which has it’s ups and downs. Like, if it landed on your cheese sandwich you wouldn’t want to eat it after a pesky fly had squatted on it. But dragonfly-fire could potentially turn it into a cheese toastie and thus kill off any pooh germs. And then it’s more than okay. Unless it totally burns your face off in the process.
The most famous dragonfly is the one St George beat up. The legend goes that George was having a lovely old picnic with an ordinary brie and bacon baguette, when he suddenly got the urge to have it toasted – because he was that kinda guy. So he let the dragonfly land on his lunchbox and breathe fire over it. The dragonfly burnt that baguette up a treat but George wasn’t happy; he’d only bought it from one of those baguette shops at the train station and they ain’t cheap! So George totally messed up that dragonfly. It had been a regular pest during Sunday church anyway but it was alright because everyone just forgave him and then made him a Saint because it had been getting on their nerves too.
E is for Electric Eel
Remember that one time the writers of Eastenders started using more Cockney Rhyming Slang and replaced Ian Beale with an electric eel? No? The same episode in which Nana Moon was replaced with a baboon. Still no? Ofcom received 1 million complaints because the baboon went mental and mauled the rest of the cast.
Anyway, I’m not ‘ere to ramble; I’m here to teach you kids some hard #facts. It’s time yet again for A-Zoo. Where I impart my VAST knowledge of the animal kingdom to the social media generation through the power of GIF.
So, as you might’ve figured, we’re looking at the ‘electric eel’.
The electric eel is the only animal in the world whose body is entirely made of electric. Scientists speculate there were more eels, like the ‘fire eel’. But these were pretty much wiped out immediately because they lived in… water. Obviously. It is possible there was also a ‘water eel’, but there’s no way to tell. You could be drinking one right now.
Nikola Tesla, Serbian American inventor, electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, physicist, and futurist best known for his contributions to the design of the modern alternating current electricity supply system, was best friends with an electric eel called Eric. Supposedly, Nik started experimenting, creating different sources of electricity. As he felt bad using Eric to power his Gameboy (fun fact, in the olden days the computing hardware needed for a Gameboy was roughly the size of a semi detached bungalow).
If you ever wonder what an electric eel tastes like, coat a 9 volt battery in fish paste and lick it.*
F is for Flamingo
Imagine some smooth Jazz, that’s the theme tune. We’re now gonna look at the only fake animal in the world. Flamingos.
Flamingos are plastic lawn ornaments, often found on lawns in the USA. They have no natural predators apart from TIME. Time causes the flamingo to decompose but as they are plastic it takes several thousand years, resulting a slow death. They do, however, form alliances with other lawn creatures like gnomes. Gnomes will often trade their services in trade for the flamingo’s protection. Vandals will often pick flamingos over gnomes, as they’re the most obvious and bloody ridiculous.
It’s a common misconception to believe flamingos are actually living breathing birds. This is a LIE. For reasons unknown, the CIA have undergone a huge operation to conjure this convincing deception.
‘But, I’ve seen them! I’ve seen flamingos fly and everything!’ I hear you cry. It’s possible you’ve seen a flamingo caught in strong gust of wind. They’re only plastic and quite light.
Not convinced? Here are a selection of common flamingo ‘facts’:
‘When flying in a flock, the top speed of a flamingo can be as high as 35 miles per hour.’ FALSE; They’re inanimate and cannot move; their top speed depends entirely on how hard you can lob it.
‘Adult flamingos are four to five feet tall.’ FALSE; plastic can’t mature into adulthood, an adult flamingo simply doesn’t exist. They do though come in different sizes. You can even buy tiny plastic flamingos for for your desk.
‘Their pink colour comes from beta-carotene in the crustaceans and plankton that flamingos eat.’ FALSE; the pink comes from various dyes and chemicals mixed into the plastic or a coat of paint.
‘The feathers under their wings (flight feathers) are black.’ FALSE; flamingos don’t have wings, they’re moulded in a particular way to give just the illusion of wings.
‘The male and female of a mating pair build a nest together and both sit on the egg while it incubates for about a month.’ FALSE. Flamingos are: a) androgynous, b) don’t mate (inanimate objects incapable of love) and c) I think you can tell where this is going.
G is for Giraffe
It’s time to have a look at the longest animal in the world. The giraffe.
Giraffes are so long in the neck that in the olden days astronauts used to climb them to get to space. Giraffes aren’t actually that long, that’d be nuts (not like actual nuts though, they aren’t that long). The astronauts only really managed to get as high as Mount Kinabalu (4,095 metres), and only then because they used a step ladder for the last metre.
Due to their length (giraffes not astronauts), the birthing process takes about six weeks. The equivalent of your school summer holiday. It’s a right ol’ palaver and I could think of lots of better things to do in my time off.
Giraffes use their winding neck to propel them up to 60 mph across the African savannah (see GIF) and their fur creates an unique camouflaging pattern. This is extremely useful for hiding in bakeries amongst the tiger loafs. They sneak out at night and use their tongue to eat all the jam from the doughnuts and, of course, to avoid the tigers.
You’re probably wondering, ‘but if giraffe necks are that long, what do they do when they need to wear a scarf? Surely even one would take up the world supply of wool?’. Well, they live in Africa for starters and it’s flippin’ hot there; wear warm clothes and you’ll sweat like a cheese connoisseur in a cheese shop who’s just spied an entire WAGON WHEEL OF CAMEMBERT!
H is for Hermit Crab
Apologies for ending that last paragraph so abruptly. There really was a whole wheel of camembert and I’m not talking the ones you get from Tesco or any other leading supermarkets; it was a monster truck wheel size. I ate it all, even the rind, and paid a heavy price for it. Been living like a hermit all week, doubled up with wind from too much creamy dairy. And I had some wild (not erotic) cheese dreams like you wouldn’t believe!
This tenuously links us nicely to this next A-Zoo creature ‒ the Hermit Crab!
Hermit crabs are much like real crabs but live in little sea houses that they carry about on their back (the equivalent of a human boy piggybacking a semi detached bungalow). They’re the only sea creature that own their own home (mortgage free and freehold), which is great because there’s major housing crisis beneath sea.
Despite their huge underwater wealth and housing market dominance, they’re incredibly introverted and boring. Like your second cousin Terry: works in recruitment, the one half of a Ford Escort appreciation club on Facebook, NEVER drinks coffee after 6 and is borderline racist. More boring than that.
Hermit crabs never leave home, not even popping out to the shops; they just arrange home deliveries. Every day they stay in watching Top Gear on DAVE. They’re not even agoraphobic they’re just lazy. Could you do that every day? Sitting in your dark, dank house, painting Warhammer figures until you pass out from the fumes?
I is for Indian Elephant
Next up on A-Zoo we’re looking at this poor beast. Every day it’s bullied mercilessly by the other animals because of its disfigurement; the Indian Elephant. Most elephants have massive ears but in a cruel twist of fate, Indian Elephants are cursed with small ears. Because of this, it’s taunted all day long by all the animals in India: the tigers, the monkeys, even the flippin cows. Let’s look at this poor animal.
PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHA. WHAT ON EARTH? HAHAHAHA THIS IS RIDICULOUS, LOOK AT THE EARS, O.M.G L.O.L W.T.F R.O.F.L L.M.A.O B.B.Q W.W.F N.A.T.O U.S.S.R H.T.M.L.
HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, OH MAN, MY SIDES, WHAT IS THAT. HAHAHAHAHA NO WAY. THAT THING IS HUUUUUGGGGEEEE BUT THE EARS ARE SO tiny. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? CAN IT EVEN HEAR THINGS? HELLLOOOOOOOO? HAHAHAHA I HOPE FOR IT’S SAKE IT CAN’T HEAR THIS. PPFFFAAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN, OH MAN, NO FLIPPIN’ WAY. HAHAHA. EVEN DUMBO HAS BIG EARS, AND HE’S A CARTOON.
Ahem. Oh man, no way, that crazy poor thing.
J is for Jellyfish
It’s A-Zoo O’clock. [DISCLAIMER: Don’t use A-Zoo as any sort of timescale, you’ll be consistently late.]
This is the only edible animal in the world. Let’s explore the jellyfish.
Jellyfish are a unique sort of animal, as the name suggests, their bodies are made entirely of popular food stuffs – jelly.
Old fishermen tales suggest that ‘The Titanic’ was carrying 100 metric tonnes of jelly mixture and a mysterious experimental serum simply called ‘serum x-26583 bc/hts92-69’. When the ship sank the jelly formed in the cool water, the experimental serum somehow gave the jelly sentience.
Their hobbies include floating; chilling; not doing much; just letting the current take them away; drifting in waves and stinging unsuspecting idiots pratting about in the sea. The sea is a dangerous place, there’s no police in the sea.
Despite being made of jelly, the tentacles will give you a cracking sting, this is due to all the hypodermic needles discarded in the sea after the whales get their flu jabs. It takes nearly 50 needles to immunise whales, so after the needles get stuck in the jellyfish’s sticky wibblers (This is a technical term for tentacles). The sting is a combination of the needle jabbing into your flesh and a bit of whale flu.
Remember kids, if a Jellyfish ever offers to sting you. JUST SAY NO
K is for King Penguin
This time I’ve tried to remember everything I know about King Penguin.
The key difference between Penguins and King Penguins is that King Penguins have a cool crown and get to sit on a throne of fish. Normal Penguins get bugger all because they weren’t smart enough to be born in the monarchy, immediately granting them ridiculous wealth for little in return.
The first king penguin was King *Wennk* I (*wennk* being the noise penguins make, we’re not actually sure what he was called, it could have easily been some sort of insult at everyone), succeeded by King *Wennk* II, who was succeeded by his son *Wennk* who became King *Wennk* III.
One of the most notorious penguin rulers is King *Wennk* VII. He led a long bloody war against the seal lord, Count *ARF* and his clan. The war lasted around 24 years, Antarctica was so red with blood that the explorers that came got confused thinking they had landed in Australia’s Simpson Desert (an area roughly 600 miles from the coast, so heaven knows how they would have managed that).
Of course, we can’t talk about king penguins without mentioning King *Wennk* XXI who *wennk* his *wennk* to *wennk**wennk**wennk**wennk* and *wennk**wennk* up the *wennk* which caused a dramatic *wennk**wennk**wennk*. A truly horrific act.
L is for Long Eared Owl
Time for another accurate* depiction of another animal. Today’s letter is L. Quick! Name the first animal that comes to your head when you think “L”.
Of course, yours and practically everyone in the world’s first though is the Long Eared Owl.
Like the Cockatoo, the owl is a bird, the owl however does not have the same appendages as the cockatoo. As the name suggests, Long Eared Owls are like normal owls but with long ears. They have, perhaps, the longest ears of any creature on Earth. You’d think that they’d use their ears to fly. That’d be stupid. Come on guys, think logically here, would you want all that wind in yer lug hole? Your eardrum would burst just flying over to Lidl.
Here we see a Long Eared Owl taunting an Indian Elephahahahahaomgthey’reridiculous…nt. Their big ears give them a sense of ruthless arrogance.
Their ears are so big that they can hear a small rodent fart over two miles away (WOW!) They then hustle over and eat the rodent.
The phrase “Wise Owl” comes from a particular owl that once won a Nobel Prize for some quantum mechanics. Most owls aren’t really that smart at all, I mean, you can’t be that smart if you’re going around, eating mice in the middle of the night, surely you’d know the kebab shop is open until 4am.
*no it isn’t.
M is for Mongoose
I tried really hard to think of an animal beginning with ‘M’. Someone suggested a Monkey, but I can’t really see how a monk unlocking a door had anything to do with animals, unless it was some sort of Monastery/Zoo. Could you imagine that? A little koala with a shaved noggin and robes. Fantastic.
Someone else suggested a Mongoose. I have like, no idea what that is, but I’m going to take an educated guess that it’s some sort of monochrome goose? So uh, I guess I’ll have to talk about geese and the olden days.
Geese, or as they’re known by their latin name ‘Honky donkey beak boys’, are basically ducks but with a bit of an attitude. Not like a cool ‘street’ attitude like a totes sick rapper or whatevs, but like of a ‘bit of a bastard’ attitude. You know how normal people keep pet birds? Well, Satan has a pet goose, you so much as look at a goose, it’ll mess you up back to last week. You thought Anteaters were bad? You clearly have never encountered these feathered devils.
The olden days began roughly 1820 just after a period of time known as History and ended around 1969. Everything during this time was in black and white and over 50 different shades of grey. The most famous person from the olden days was Queen Victoria, it’s often presumed the Victorian era was named because of her, but in truth the era was actually named after Victoria sponge cake.
Uh, so yeah, Mongoose, they were probably geese from the past, in monochrome.
N is for Nessie
Today we’re going to look at the elusive majestic lake beast know to some as “Nessy”
Known to others down the pub as “Big Paul”
Nessy (Latin name Loch Ness Monster) is a hulking beast living in the depths of some lake in Scotland, I can’t remember the name of it. Lake Michigan perhaps? A lake is like a puddle that hasn’t bothered to evaporate and just kept growing until it becomes a bit of palaver. Anyway, this isn’t A-Zoo Lake edition………….. That’s the next series ;)
So Nessy, she’s a massive aquatic aquatic creature that has a similar appearance of a carved out styrofoam model, or actually maybe a piece of driftwood. Actually, I’d say she looks more like, if you get a dinosaur plastic toy and a tub of water, go on, get them I can wait.
Got it? Fab, so put the dinosaur in the water and squint. Squint a bit harder. Harder.
Almost, squint so basically your eyes are closed. Are they closed? HOW CAN YOU READ THIS THEN?
Yeah like that. She looks exactly like that.
In tribute to Nessy, I’m going to write 10,000 words to the magnificent creature but done in such a way, that it can only be viewed by squinting. Go on.
Squint a bit harder. Harder.
Almost, squint so basically your eyes are closed. Are they closed? HOW CAN YOU READ THIS THEN?
O is for Oyster
We’re well over half way in A-Zoo. Why are you still here? Stop encouraging this, this will only end in tears. Seeing as you’re here, we might as well talk about some sort of creature. Let’s look at the Oyster animated gif.
Oysters are flat blue plastic squares, used in foggy ol’ London town as currency to ride the metal hole beast. These beasts will take you from Piccadilly Circus to Albert Square in 4 minutes.
Oysters are telepathic, it’s MIND is powerful it can convince any inanimate objects to open at your will, as long it’s a gate to the metal hole beast’s lair.
Crack one open you’ll find inside a gooey mess that people eat for some reason. If you’re lucky you’ll also find precious jewels!
There is a popular saying ‘The world is your oyster’. This is false. Try looking at the oyster at a microscopic level, there is no world, only blue flatness. If you look at the world from space as well, looks nothing like an oyster. Who ever came up with that phrase was clearly off his face..
P is for Peacock
A-ZOO TIME, AN ANIMATED PEACOCK. LET’S LEARN SOME ANIMALS. YESSSSSSS MATE.
This time we are gonna do some learns about a close relation to Cockatoo. Our animal this time is the peacock.
Peacocks are like weird little men with feathers and bird themed deformities, like a beak and their little twig shins. BUT they have two special features making them superior to other birdy freaks.
Let’s talk first about their “Little fella”. As their name implies, yes, their dingaling is a pea. You know, the ones yer ma serves up with fish fingers and potato waffles for dinner. (NOT TEA, WE’RE NOT SAVAGES).
In fact, all the peas in the world come from these poor castrated lads. Admiral Avian Oculus owns the largest peacock farm in the world. It’s quite cruel really, but where did you think peas came from? UP FROM THE DIRT? HA. You’ve got a lot to learn.
The other cool feature is a front facing camera that can capture in 4K! Oh no, sorry that’s an upcoming iPhone. What are we on about?
Peacocks! Right, so normal animal tails are pretty boring let’s be honest, it’s really just if rope had muscles isn’t it? But Peacocks, their tails are a marvel to behold, a majestic wonder of colourful beauty. To stare into their cloak of wonder, is is truely like staring into the eyes of God. An incredible vision, stunning colours, they say most of the tail cannot be seen by the human eye or even possibly imagined.
Looking at it, it’s a bit like really when you drink way too much Cola and buzz out of your tiny mind.
Q is for Quockodile
Do de do, it’s time for A-Zoo. And in a surprise twist, I’m going to be talking about an animal quite close to my heart, possibly my favourite creature on this fine earth, one that I actually know quite a lot about!!! Today’s animal is the Quockodile!
Quockodiles are aquatic reptiles found in tropical climates, such as in Africa, Asia the Americas and Australia. Despite being very similar to Alligators in physicality and mentally, they are two completely different species. It’s like comparing cats with dogs.
You can tell a Quockodile apart from a gator by their longer narrower V shaped heads.
Quockodiles are semiaquatic beasts, often found in lakes, rivers and general wetlands. However, Quockodiles have specialised salt glands, allowing a greater tolerance of salt water, so they can survive in these environments, a talent that alligators lack.
Quockodiles are carnivorous and will eat any fleshy being that happens to get in it’s gob, they’re known to eat their young if fairly peckish or even a pound saver burger from Maccy D’s, although they’d have to be very desperate.
The Quockodile’s strong tail allows them to swim up to 25mph, about the same top speed as a teenager’s first moped. They sweat through their mouth, which is why you’d find Quockodiles sitting by river banks with mouths wide open.
I don’t quite get why my computer doesn’t recognize Quockodile, they’ve been about for around 240 million years, surely the spell check would know by…… OH COME OFF IT.
R is for Reindeer
No matter what time of year you’re reading this, it’s the perfect time to have a CHRISTMAS SPECIAL A-ZOO!
Reindeers are used around Santa’s place up north for all the heavy lift and general lugging stuff about. Santa gets around slavery loopholes by using animals and elves, they really need an elven Abraham Lincoln or something.
I don’t know if you noticed but Reindeers are hardly aerodynamic and lack wings, so how do they prance about the sky Xmas Eve?
Fun fact, the luminous noses they have to light up the night sky can also be fitted in any bayonet cap light bulb socket.
S is for Swan
A short but no less thought provoking A-Zoo.
We’re looking at another one of those feather boa bread rolls. SWANS.
Swans are different though to normal sky birds, they’re also aquatic. In theory, if you strapped a bazooka on it’s back it’d be the ultimate war machine, capable of land, air and sea combat.
They say though, all swans belong to the Queen…
But have you ever seen a swan and the Queen in the same place?
Try looking closer at a swan………
T is for Toucan
The Toucan has a proper long nose, it’s ridiculous, I’m not talking like anteater ridiculous though, but the nose to body ratio is OFF THE CHARTS. Their noses are a 2 for 1 deal, because they double up as the Toucan’s gob, which is pretty handy. Imagine if your nose was also your mouth, we’d spend less dosh on lipstick for a start.
So called ‘Science people’ reckon they’re called beaks, but I’m not one to trust some geezer who wears a coat indoors.
But the real fascinating thing about Toucan it’s not the beak, but like it’s actual body.
HOT DAMN, IT’S TWO CANS. CAN YA BELIEVE IT? Yes! Just as the name suggest, it’s two cans. Soup, beans, tuna, heck even Spam, Toucans are truly a scientific miracle.
Ok, we’re going to mix things up a bit this time. I’m gonna show you how to make your very own TOUCAN. Remember to get an adult to help, it can get pretty hardcore
Tin Cans x 2
An icecream cone
Remove labels from cans, you don’t want a lawsuit on your hands! However, if you do happen to be the CEO of the nation’s most popular baked beans and condiments brand and fancy leaving the labels on your cans, I’m not going to stop you.
Tape the two cans together, use about 4ft of the tape, just to be sure it’s secure. The last thing you want at the stage is loose can, I cannot stress how important this is.
Take the ice cream cone, this will be the beak. I’d strongly advise a cone that hasn’t had ice cream in it, as this could compromise the structural integrity of the cone with soggyness.
Tape that bugger on.
Whack a couple eyes on that bad boy, for authenticity.
And there you have it! Your very own Toucan!
U is for Underdog
Just 6 more of these and we can all go back to our normal lives, thank goodness.
This animal you could say is a bit of an underdog in the animal kingdom, because it is the Underdog.
Underdogs are little hairy mammals that spend all day UNDERGROUND (hence the name underdog), they’re close relatives of the Updog.
They’re special little diddlers, have you ever tried walking about underground? It’s really hard because there’s dirt in the way, but Underdogs have got special hands that allow them to just shove all that soil out of it’s path. “GIT OUT MA WAY, YA DIRTY OL’ DIRT” It screams as it burrows through the crust of the earth, “I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR MY OPTICIAN APPOINTMENT”
Because these diddlers have tiny peepers they use two hubble telescopes as a pair of glasses, but the weight of one telescope literally crushes the mole….. Uh I mean, Underdog.
The phrase “Everyone roots for the underdog” is often misinterpreted to mean, everyone [roots/supports] the [underdog/the participant who’s so naff, he’s got no chance of winning].
This is false, infact it dates back to an old 18th century tradition where people would pull up roots from the ground, so the mole….. DAMN IT. Underdog can safely travel underground without getting tangled in the roots.
An interesting fact about moles…. URGH NO, UNDERDOG.
OK, Admit it! I’m actually talking about MOLES ok? MOLES. Do you know how many animals begin with the letter U? Like, maybe 7? But they’re all NAFF. Who would want to learn about some silly old Urub or an Uruguay? Forget it!
V is for Vampire Bat
Say hello to the vampire bat!
Made from solid oak wood and cursed with the darkest blood magic, Vampire bats have plagued rural farm folk and cricket test matches for centuries. But only at night, which is handy really because most cricket matches are played during daylight hours.
Unfortunately being a rural farm folk is a 24 hour deal, if you happen to be one of those lads, yer outta luck PAL.
You’ll have a hard time slaying this beast, planting a stake into a regular vampire’s cold dead heart is easy enough, it’s all fleshy and sometimes a bit decomposed. Whacking a stake into a bat however is fairly tricky for two reasons.
Unless you have the strength of twenty eight olympian bears, you’re going to have a hard time putting some wood……….into more wood.
The second reason is all the flapping and erratic movements makes it hard to hit.
So what I tend to do is grab it (With some medieval steel gauntlets so it can’t nibble your wrists) and lob it in a wood chipper. Soak it in holy water for good measure. Once it’s dried it’s very useful for kindling, or for smoking meats. Delicious!
W is for Whale
Well well well, what do we have here? A-zoo, time! Don’t worry though, it will end soon, hush child, don’t cry.
We’re having a WHALE of a time. As we explore the WHALE.
(Deepest apologies to Matthew Stogdon, a fan of A-Zoo, who has a huge fear of whales. FIGHT THROUGH THE PAIN MATT)
Whales are like fish but bigger than that and they’re not even fish. They’re mammals like you or a dog.
“Uh, but they don’t have legs mate, how can they be mammals?”
Well that’s just science mate, you’ll have to deal with it.
Whales are named after the country Wales, and Wales was named as such because it looks like a Whale. Well it doesn’t does it? In the olden days, cartographers were a bit naff.
That decision went down a little like this.
Cartographer : “I’ve just drawn a map of that weird lump sticking out of England”
Cartographer’s mate : “What? Norfolk?”
C : “Na mate, the one on the west”
C/M: : “Oh right. Huh, looks like a Whale”
C : “What the flippin heck is a Whale?”
C/M : “It’s like fish but bigger than that and they’re not even fish”
C : “Those thing? They’re called Whales are they?”
C/M : “Yeah, they’re named after Wales”
C : “What’s Wales?”
C/M : “That country you just drew”
C : “………”
C/M : “………”
C : “What the flip are you on?”
One of the most famous Whales in the world is “Moby Dick”. As his name suggests, he has a HUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE
…musical talent, just like the artist Moby.
Hopefully you can’t tell from this my ideas are wearing thin. Although I guess you would have figured out just now, as I just said it.
Wait NO hang on. What ideas?
These are all facts mate. What are ye on about? Facts galore here. It’s FactTown here, the capital of the good nation of Factistan.
X is for Xylophone
Ohh boy, I’ve been dreading this one. Ever since Dragon Fly I realised “Well this is fun and all, lots of animals to yabber on about, but what am I actually going to do when I get to X? Oh well, I’m sure it will be fine”
But now I’m actually here….. Ohh wee, what am I going to do?
Christ on a bike, U was hard enough! I was digging right down to the bottom of the barrel to think of that animal, researched the heck for those facts.
So I need you to bear with me. If you’ve come this far, it shouldn’t be an issue…
On A-Zoo we’re going to taking a look at that mystical animal…..
Yeah you heard right.
Xylophones are little musical lads, hit them with the right force and in the right place they’ll hum out a little tune thanks to “science”. Don’t whack them too hard, xylophone abuse is a serious issue in orchestras up and down Great Britain & Slovakia.
To get the nice noise, you need to use a specially crafted “ball on a stick” and ding the xylophone on it’s teeth. The amount of teeth can vary with age, in infancy the amount is usually 4, this can increase in adulthood to well over 5.
Sadly, the life of the xylophone is not one sunshine and lollypops. For the last 230 years, xylophones have been locked in a bitter turf war with the rival gang of glockenspiels. It’s fine though really. As both xylophones and glockenspiels are inanimate objects, not much actually happens, to date, not single drop of blood has been spilt in the war. Partly due to, well….. They don’t have blood.
Trust me though, put a glockenspiel and xylophone together in the same room, it will be filled with so much bitter resentment, you’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife, slice it into wedges, boil it up and whack it into a hot oven with a bit of rosemary and garlic, a sprinkle of sea salt. Serve it up with some homemade ketchup. Delicious.
Wait, no that’s potatoes, not tension.
Y is for Yorkshire Terrier
Hi how’s it going? It’s t’PENULTIMATE A-ZOO. Thank t’baby Jesus, I don’t think I could handle much more.
We’re having a look at T’Yorkshire Terrier. WOOF WOOF.
T’Yorkshire Terrier is, as you may of guessed (surely you’ve figured out the formula for this a while back), a regular ol’ terrier doggo but infused with t’essence of Yorkshire.
As a massive hipster, I enjoy hand crafting my own organic Yorkshire Terrier, it’s incredibly easy and t’smugness you get from doing it is unrivalled. To make a Yorkshire t’errier you must follow these steps
STEP ONE: Get a normal plain terrier. Available in all good Dog DIY shops.
STEP TWO: Convince Sean Bean to give some of his soul to infuse t’pup with the POWER OF YORKSHIRE. (This can be tricky, as Sean Bean has a pretty tight schedule)
STEP THREE: Get t’biggest Yorkshire pudding you can find, and cradle t’dog within.
STEP T’FOUR: Cover t’puppa with t’finest Yorkshire tea and leave to brew for 88 hours.
Once t’88 hour marinating is over, lift t’Yorkshire Terrier out and crown it with a traditional flat cap.
That’s about it me duck. You’ve got yerself God’s own dog.
[Disclaimer, please don’t actually do this, I really REALLY don’t want to go to jail. Animal cruelty is bad.]
Z is for Zebra Shark
I can’t believe we’re finally here, we’re at the end of our animated gif adventure. We’ve examined all the animals in the world. I hope you’ve found it highly educational, maybe inspired you to follow your dreams to becoming a zoologist or something. (I can’t/won’t take any responsibility if for some reason you’re laughed out of zoology club).
So for one final time, let’s jump into A-Zoo.
Of Course now we’re at Z, there’s really one animal we could do.
Without a doubt, that animal is the Zebra… Shark! That’s right. Zebra Shark!
Zebra Sharks gallop across the vast waters of the African plains. Look at them magnificent horse-like thighs. These are used to ROCKET the Zebra Shark through the water at speeds of up to 20 KPH (or 12.4 MPH if you’re some sort of imperial weirdo).
They usually have communication issues as “Neighs” underwater are fairly distorted, try talking to your sweet mother about your day with yer head in the sink. Tricky isn’t it? The water muffles it all up.
Because of this Zebra Sharks opt to communicating using a nokia in a water-tight ziplock bag. Pretty Nifty trick.
Notice how the body is completely covered in a barcode? Zebra sharks are pioneers in food packaging waste. If other animals, such as the Lion Shark or Hyena Shark are going to eat them, why not do away with the packaging and just evolve with a shop barcode right on their skin. Oranges tried to copy this concept, but as no one really wanted to eat a black and white orange, they opted for those stickers instead.
Despite being prey for some top predators, Zebra Sharks have a top advantage over boring ol’ naff regular sharks. HOOVES. Hooves are basically like, if instead of a foot you had a single massive hard toe nail. Have you ever been kicked in the face by a normal shark? HAHA unlikely. This is what makes Zebra Sharks the superior animal.
Having hooves are like an instant one up on everything. For starters you don’t have to fork out £200 for a pair of Doc Martins. Secondly they CLOP. Walking down the street, clipping and clopping, it’s magnificent.
Come again soon!
Right it’s done.
Let’s never speak of this again.
[All animations and copy courtesy of Jack Purling]